My head...a little bit about what goes on inside it (personal stuff I guess)


This is me, Laura Roberts, 32, mother of one, wife, full time project coordinator, aspiring roller derby player and runner/jogger.

In 2009, I had a baby and lost my mum in the space of 2weeks. (My mum died on 17th October after years of illness and weeks of serious reactions to a stem cell transplant, and Ada was born on 27th).

At the time, when Ada was born, she was my focus and all I could think about. I had lost my mum, I was emotional/hormonal and it was hard. I wanted to breast feed but found it so hard I decided to stop after 2 weeks, at that moment I realised how much I missed my mum and how much I was going to miss her forever. She would never be there to ask the simple questions about bringing up my little one...it sucked and still does.


I am so lucky and grateful to have such amazing sisters who took responsibility for mum's funeral and will while I was getting used to being a mum. 

When Ada was about 1 and a half, I began to feel things getting on top of me. Before then, things had been hard on and off, but by now I was crying a lot (at home, at work, for no reason and at anything a tiny bit emotional), not being able to concentrate at work and feeling totally messy in my head, constantly obsessed with things like cleaning, washing and tidying, and I was also very moody, taking most of this out on David and Ada!

So, I decided (after and chat with David and a visit to the Dr) to try taking a small dose of antidepressant to see if they would help. After talking things through with David, the health visitor and the Dr I felt a little better already, and taking a tiny pill once a day actually helped more that I could ever have imagined.  

At first I though it was probably a bit of a placebo affect, but then it continued. I wanted to get up in the morning, I wanted to spend time with Ada, I stopped obsessing about how tidy the house was and stopped having a go at David about everything!

So, the antidepressants worked by helping me find a happy medium, they cleared my jumbled head and helped me get on with things with out mood swings and obsessive distractions.

Now, 18 months on, I'm thinking about coming off the pills. I had an unplanned break of taking them for about 5 days due to not putting in a prescription before the bank holiday....and I felt ok. As the level of antidepressant reduced in my system, I started to feel a bit wobbly, my head became and bit fuzzy, I was extremely tired and was starting to get ratty and moody again (not as bad as before, but it was noticeable). 

I'd like to come off the pills before I have another baby, and I know from before, that pregnancy hormones seem to help me feel better in general, so I'm not worried about that..it's just, if I do stop taking the pills, will I be ok? Will I just go back to how I was before, or after the small amount of counselling I've had, the opportunity to think and process things in my own time, will I be ok?

I know what the negative side affects are of taking the pills, and the positive. I don't want to take them for ever, as I know my 'depression' if that's what you want to call it, was a result of stress and other factors, rather than just my head....so maybe I can cope on my own.

I hope so. 


11 comments:

David Roberts said...

You won't be on your own. I love you xxx

Ben said...

I am thinking about doing the same Laura. I've been on them for six months only, but now that I think I am rid of what was making me unhappy I want to give it a go. Can meet up and chat about it if you like. x

Lisa said...

Well done for writing such an honest blog post :) Your friends will be there to support you too lady (me included!) xx

Becky Holmes said...

Laura that is another great post x I had the same experience without the mum bit, I came off the drugs to have my Lexi and it all worked out fine but I was very scared. I got pregnant almost immediately and worried a lot about a reoccurance but fingers crossed two years on and all is good. Good luck with your decisions xxxxx

JK said...

If coming off them doesn't work, they'll still be there in the future to help again. Reminding yourself of that can take the pressure off. And although you can hear horror stories about breaking dependency, it's also true that some people go on them, stay on for a bit, and then come off them with no problem - people like me. And although it'd be untrue to say I never had another problem (it's part of who I am, still), that period of rest, if you like, gave me strength to shoulder the burden myself a bit better going onwards. Everyone's experience is unique, just try, and don't attach too much significance upfront to whether or not you come off them permanently.

Madog said...

Ask a doc doc.

I Am Me said...

Thank you for all the support ang advice guys, you're all great! x

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I hope it goes ok whatever you decide :) We're all here for you.x

Sian said...

(Anonymous is me by the way! It's too early to type!)

Helen said...

It was so good (in a weird way) to read this - I'm on the pills, have been about 8 months, they help a lot, but I still get bad days, and get really scared about coming off them. Here to chat! Hx

mochamama said...

My daughter came off hers slowly and it worked just fine. I think when you stop them all at once is when you really have the side effects. PS. Your little girl is just adorable!!